Dogma

Screenplay by Kevin Smith

Produced by Scott Mosier

Directed by Kevin Smith

Cast List:

Linda Fiorentino Bethany

Jason Mewes Jay

Kevin Smith Silent Bob

Matt Damon Loki

Ben Afflek Bartleby

Chris Rock Rufus

Salma Hayek Serendipity

Alan Rickman Metatron

Emma Thompson God

Dwight Ewell Gang Leader

Ethan Suplee NoMan the Golgothan

EXT. ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK – DAY

Jersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier, the ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline.

An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away from besmirching the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat. His face belies good years gone by – a face that has seen more sunrises than one would suspect. He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small, satisfied smile cross his face.

Behind him. a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on the boardwalk. Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing a street hockey ball between them proficiently. The Old Man views them briefly. checks his watch, and looks back toward the ocean.

The skates of the three hockey playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up to their faces – now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod.

Their skates glide out of frame.

POV SKATERS

The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach. We get closer and closer to him until...

One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhales violently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagely beating on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them. Repeatedly their blades crash down hard on his head.

VOICE (O.S.)

I don't understand – how can you base your lack of belief in God on the writings Lewis Caroll?

The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse. Satisfied, they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

LOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through the metal detectors. The Nun carries a donation can.

LOKI

Leaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely at 'Through the Looking Glass' – particularly 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's the metaphorical meaning?

NUN

I wasn't aware there was one.

LOKI

Oh, but there is – it colorfully details the sham that is organized religion. The Walrus – with his girth and good-nature – obviously refers to either the Buddha, or – with his tusks – the lovable Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. This takes care of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was purportedly raised the son of a carpenter. He represents the Western religions. And in the poem, what do they do? They dupe all the oysters into following them. Then, when the oysters collective guard is down, the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck and devour the helpless creatures, en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following faiths based on these mythological figures insures the destruction of one's inner-being.

BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eats popcorn and stares at...

A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting lovedones, family.

LOKI (O.S.)

Organized religion destroys who we are or who we can be by inhibiting our actions and decisions out of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "No, no!"

Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him, kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun.

LOKI

'Through the Looking Glass' – a children's tale? I think not.

NUN

(really dazed)

I've... I've never really thought about it like that...

(beat; shocked; off her cassock)

What have I been doing with my life...?'.

LOKI

Don't look back. Just get out there and taste life.

(off donation can)

Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for the gullible – it's another way the church is trying to control you. You take that money you've been collecting for your parish reconstruction and go get yourself a nice piece of ass. You deserve it.

The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something. A passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Loki faces the proper direction in his seat and plops down beside the still-transfixed Bartleby.

BARTLEBY

(looking O.S.)

Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in his presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.

LOKI

C'mon man – you know I don't believe any of that shit I was telling her. I just like to fuck with the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her head stops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the Just again. But oh, will she have a bunch to confess.

(looks around)

Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you feel the need to come here all the time?

BARTLEBY

(off travelers)

I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best. Look at them.

A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two young LOVERS to embrace and kiss passionately.

BARTLEBY (O.S.)

All that tension, all that anger and mistrust, forgotten for one perfect moment when they come off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't even know that the girl cheated on him while he was away.

LOKI

She did?

Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals.

BARTLEBY

Uh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this moment because they're both so relieved to be with one another. I like that. I just wish they could all feel that way more offen.

LOKI

Maybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts more often they would. Now what was so friggin' important that I had to miss cartoons this morning? If it was to share in your half-assed obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'm going to slug you.

BARTLEBY

(still looking O.S.)

You're never going to believe this: we're going home.

LOKI

(off Bartleby's popcorn)

Let me have some?

BARTLEBY

(pulls out envelope)

Look what somebody sent us in the mail.

(hands him a newspaper article and corn)

LOKI

Did you say we're going home?

(reads)

"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on Catholicism – Wow! Campaign."

(to Bartleby)

And?

BARTLEBY

Keep reading.

LOKI

(reads)

"Updating the church... television spots... Papal consent... rededication...

(to Bartleby)

Again – and?

BARTLEBY

(snatches article)

Give me this.

(getting up; reading)

"The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on it's hundredth anniversary is the kickoff of a new campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Church back into the mainstream. With a papal sanction, the archway entrance to the centuryold, Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of pleanry indulgence, which – according to Catholic beliefs – offers all who pass through it's arches a morally clean slate."

(looks at Loki)

You still don't get it, do you?

LOKI

No, I don't get it. Are we leaving now?

They start walking.

BARTLEBY

If you walk through the church's front door on the day of the Re-dedication ceremony, your soul is wiped clean of any and all existing sin, moreso than the sacrament of penance could ever offer. It's a plenary indulgence, man! I don't know why I never thought of this before.

LOKI

(spits out chewed popcorn into trash can)

Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up.

BARTLEBY

It's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has a papal sanction for God's sake.

LOKI

So you're saying you and I can walk through this doorway and go back home?

BARTLEBY

No – by passing through the doors, our sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die...

LOKI

Wait, wait, wait – Die? I don't want to die.

(chews popcorn)

BARTLEBY

(steps on conveyor belt)

You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons?

LOKI

No, but we don't even know if we can die. And what if we can, but this archway thing doesn't pan out? What then? Hell? Fuck that.

(spits out chewed popcorn into napkin)

BARTLEBY

Impossible. If we cut off our wings and transubstantiate to complete human form then we become mortal. And if we die with clean souls, there's no way to keep us out. They have to let us in.

LOKI

(beat)

Who sent this thing?

BARTLEBY

I don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us, I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is that after all these years, we've found a loophole. He can't keep us out anymore. And once we're back in, I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget.

They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed.

LOKI

Yeah, but this plenary indulgence thing is a church law, not Divine Mandate. Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.

BARTLEBY

One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the Son of God before He left was "Whatever you hold true on earth..."

LOKI

"... I'll hold true in Heaven."

BARTLEBY

So if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's dogmatic law.

LOKI

(beat; extends hand)

Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.

BARTLEBY

(accepts hand)

You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.

LOKI

There's just one thing I think I should do before we leave – something that'Il get us back on His good side.

BARTLEBY

What's that?

Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazine article.

LOKI

This is something I've been dreaming about for five years now. Read.

The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongside various profit charts and text.

BARTLEBY (O.S.)

(reading)

"Mooby the Golden Calf – Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity."

Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article.

LOKI

I want to hit them.

BARTLEBY

Are you nuts?!

(crumples article)

We're mere days away from getting back, and you want to jeopardize it because you have a soft spot for the good ol' days?!

LOKI

What better way to show I've repented than by resuming the position I denied... thanks to you.

BARTLEBY

A killing spree is not going to make things better for us.

LOKI

We're not talking about killing here. We're talking about Divine Justice. We're talking about punishing the wicked, raining down fire and brimstone. He's all about that. I just know he'd want this done.

BARTLEBY

There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Besides, what if you're wrong?

LOKI

If I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said – we pass through the arch and we're forgiven anyway.

They step up to an elevator and press the button.

BARTLEBY

(considering it)

Well... he does hate competition.

(reading article)

And this Mooby deninitely falls under that heading.

LOKI

The church we have to go to is where?

BARTLEBY

New Jersey. The Rededication is in four days.

The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well.

LOKI

Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.

BARTLEBY

What's that?

LOKI

Let's kill people.

A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close.

OPENING CREDITS

Between black cards with white credits there are shots of the Old Man from the boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated in the emergeny room, being hooked up to life support system, and finally resting in an intensive care wing.

EXT. ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH – DAY

The church sits on a grassy knoll in McHenry – a suburb of Chicago. Some kids tear by on bikes and egg it.

PRIEST (O.S.)

The greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life foundation will be holding it's bi-annual softball game against the Cook County Pro-Choice league next Sunday at two.

INT. ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH – DAY

The PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of the faithful.

PRIEST

Those who find the weekly demonstration outside of the Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard to make due to work schedules are urged to show their support in the fight against the thoughtless and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our boys on the field. Refreshments, as always, will be served.

Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on, we pass the parishoners. Some listen intently, others are nodding off. One surreptitiously listens to a walk-man; a man and a woman quietly argue while their kid colors in a coloring book, going off the page and marking the pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs through a copy of Hustler hidden by his hymnal book.

PRIEST (O.S.)

Today's second collection will be donated to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund. For those of you who haven't been following the news, an unidentified homeless man who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals. He lacks identification and police have had no luck in tracking down any possible family. While he shows no signs of recovery, the Arch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese has disputed the state's decision to remove the indigent man from life support systems, asking that Catholics all over the country join in this protest against Euthanasia. And finally – will whoever keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank you. Now, please rise for the recession of faith. We believe in one God, the father...

As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY – a beautiful twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checks her watch and exhales softly.

VOICE (O.S.)

I don't really want to be here.

EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC – DAY

A small gaggle of signcarrying Right-to-Lifer's march in front of the sterile looking building.

VOICE (O.S.)

But then again, I guess nobody ever does... except maybe you.

INT. BETHANY'S OFFICE – DAY

The source of the voice – a GIRL – sits beside Bethany's desk, stretching out her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile.

GIRL

You know, I've done this three times now; and each time the counselor tells me I should be more careful in the future, I should show some responsibility. Gotta tell you, though – this is the first time the counselor wasn't some ugly as hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to take abortion advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid in the first place.

BETHANY

I'm not here to lecture you – I'm here to make sure you really want to go through with this.

GIRL

I'd rather go back to that night when my idiot boyfriend swore up and down he was sterile. Short of that, there aren't many choices left, now are there?